When someone dies, the simplest words work best: “I’m so sorry about your mom.” Then stop talking and let the other person lead. You don’t need to explain the loss, make it better or find the perfect phrase. Saying something short and real is better than avoiding them because you’re afraid of getting it wrong.
Below are things to say face to face, on the phone and in a text, followed by what to avoid and how to keep showing up later. If you’re writing a card, the sympathy card guide has 40 written examples.
What to say in person
Say their name, and the name of the person who died if you know it.
- “I’m so sorry about David.”
- “I was so sad to hear about your dad. How are you doing today?”
- “I don’t know what to say. I’m just really sorry.”
- “I’m glad you came in. You don’t have to talk about it.”
- “I’ll always remember the way she laughed at her own jokes.”
“How are you doing today?” is easier to answer than “How are you?” It asks about one day, not the whole loss.
After you speak, listen. If they want to talk about the person, let them, even if they cry. Tears aren’t a sign you said something wrong. If they change the subject, follow them. A hug, a hand on the arm or just sitting nearby is fine if that’s normal between you.
At a funeral or visitation, keep it brief. The family may greet dozens of people. “I’m so sorry. I worked with Ellen for ten years, and she was always kind to me” is enough. Tell them who you are if they might not know you.
What to say on the phone
A phone call can be hard to take in the first days. You can text first to ask: “I’d love to call you. Is there a good time, or would you rather text?”
If you do talk:
- “I just heard. I’m so sorry. I won’t keep you long.”
- “I’m calling to say I’m thinking of you. You don’t have to say anything.”
- “I’m going to the store tomorrow. Can I drop off anything?”
If they don’t pick up, leave a short message and say they don’t need to call back.
What to say in a text
A text is fine, especially if you’re not close, you’re far away or you don’t want to put them on the spot. Make it clear no reply is needed.
- “I just heard about your grandmother. I’m so sorry. No need to reply.”
- “Thinking of you today. You don’t have to answer.”
- “I’m so sorry about Mike. He was a great boss and a good person.”
- “I’m here if you want to talk, now or in a few weeks. No pressure either way.”
Avoid a group chat for anything more than a short “so sorry.” Send personal messages directly.
What to avoid saying
| Avoid | Why | Try instead |
|---|---|---|
| “I know how you feel.” | Even similar losses are different, and it turns the talk toward you. | “I can’t imagine what this is like for you.” |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | It asks them to accept the death. | “This is so unfair.” |
| “At least they’re not suffering,” “At least you had them so long.” | “At least” makes the loss sound smaller. | “I’m so sorry.” |
| “They’re in a better place.” | Only welcome if you know they believe it. | “I’m thinking of you and your family.” |
| “Be strong.” | It asks them to hide what they feel. | “However you’re feeling is okay.” |
| “Call me if you need anything.” | It puts the work on them. | A specific offer (see below). |
| “How did it happen?” | Let them tell you if they want to. | Don’t ask. |
If you say something clumsy, don’t panic. You can say: “That came out wrong. I’m just really sorry.”
How to offer help they can accept
It’s hard to ask for help when you’re grieving, so make a specific offer that’s easy to say yes or no to.
- “I’m making lasagna on Wednesday. Can I bring one over?”
- “I can pick the kids up from school this week. Which days work?”
- “I’ll mow your lawn on Saturday unless you tell me not to.”
- “Do you want company at the funeral home appointment?”
- “Can I help with the thank-you notes or the phone calls?”
Then do it. Don’t take it personally if they say no. Offer again later.
When the loss was complicated
Not every death is a simple sorrow. Someone may have been estranged from the person, or cared for them through a long illness, or lost them to suicide or an overdose. Relief, anger and grief can all be there at once.
- Don’t tell them how they should feel: “You must be devastated.”
- Don’t praise the person who died if you know the relationship was painful.
- Try: “I’m thinking of you. Whatever you’re feeling right now, you don’t have to explain it to me.”
After a suicide, talk about the person the way you would after any other death. Use their name. Don’t ask for details.
If someone tells you they’re having thoughts of suicide themselves, take it seriously. In the US, they can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. If they are in immediate danger, call 911.
Check in weeks and months later
Grief doesn’t end when the funeral does. A message weeks or months later shows you haven’t forgotten.
- Put the date of the death in your calendar, and the person’s birthday if you know it.
- Text after a month: “I’ve been thinking about you and your dad. How are you doing these days?”
- Mention the person by name, and share a memory if you have one.
- Reach out before the first holidays, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or the anniversary: “I know Sunday might be hard. Thinking of you.”
- Invite them to things, and keep inviting them even if they say no a few times.
At work
For a colleague, keep it private and short: “I’m so sorry about your loss. Take the time you need.” Offer specific cover: “I’ve got the Monday report.” Don’t ask for details in front of others, and let them decide how much the team knows.
If you’re asked to say more
If you’ve been asked to speak at the service, see the eulogy examples. If you’re helping the family write the announcement, the guide on how to write an obituary has a template.