A love map is John Gottman’s term for what you know about your partner’s world: the people, worries, hopes and everyday details that matter to them. The 18 questions below are an original Keepsake set for updating that knowledge, grouped by this week, hopes and decisions, and the history behind a preference. They aren’t the Gottman Institute’s official questions or card deck.
Where the idea comes from
The Gottman Institute describes a love map as “that part of your brain where you store all the personally important information about your partner’s life.” Building love maps is the first level of its Sound Relationship House, a model of a relationship as a house with seven floors. The floors connect to the principles in John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Institute calls getting to know your partner an ongoing process: the knowledge needs updating as their life changes, so it’s something to keep asking about rather than a test of what you remember.
Start with life this week
- What is taking up the most space in your mind this week?
- Who have you been spending time with that I know little about?
- Which part of your day would you like me to understand better?
- What are you looking forward to, even if it seems small?
- What has become harder lately?
- When would company help, and when would you rather have quiet?
Listen for changes instead of testing your memory. If you guessed wrong, let your partner tell you what is different.
Ask about hopes and decisions
- Is there something you want to learn that you have not had time for?
- Which decision are you weighing at the moment?
- What would a good ordinary week look like for you?
- Is there an old plan you no longer want?
- What would you like us to make room for together?
- What support would be useful without taking the decision out of your hands?
Do not turn an answer into an immediate plan unless they want one. Someone can want you to understand a concern without asking you to fix it.
Notice the history behind a preference
- How did your favorite meal become a favorite?
- Who influenced the way you approach work?
- Which place still feels important to you?
- What experience changed what you look for in a friend?
- What family habit do you want to keep or leave behind?
- What is something I used to know about you that may have changed?
These questions can lead to stories, but a short answer is enough. Follow a detail that interests the speaker rather than completing all eighteen.
Use it as a conversation, not a score
Choose a few questions together. Take turns, let either of you skip, and ask before raising a sensitive subject. Avoid quizzing your partner in front of other people or using a missed answer as evidence that they do not care.
Keep what you both want to remember
You can write one answer each in a notebook, with the date. Ask before recording or sharing. A preference recorded today is a record of today, not a permanent description of the person.
For a longer discussion, try deep partner questions. The 40 Questions of Love are a separate original collection rather than part of Gottman’s work.