When should we start these conversations?

Any time after you're engaged. Questions about money, children and where to live are easier months before the wedding than in the final weeks of planning.

How much should we cover at once?

One group per evening is plenty. Leave anything you disagree on for a second conversation after you've both had time to think.

What if we disagree on something important?

Get specific about what each of you wants and why. If you can't find a way forward on a big topic, such as children or religion, a premarital counselor can help you talk it through.

Do we need to write our answers down?

It helps for practical decisions. Notes make it easier to remember what you agreed and what you left open.

Questions to ask your fiance before the wedding

Quick starters

Use these questions to spark an easy conversation.

What do you want our first year of marriage to feel like?
What do you need from me when wedding stress is high?
Will we combine our money, keep it separate, or do some of each?
How do you want us to handle holidays with both families?
What's one thing you still want to learn about me before the wedding?

All questions

48 questions. Choose the ones that suit your conversation.

Or tick questions to copy or print them.

Your first year of marriage

1.What do you want our first year of marriage to feel like?
2.What does a great ordinary weekday look like for you after we're married?
3.What's one small thing I can do each day that makes you feel loved?
4.What's one habit you hope we keep from our dating life?
5.What's one habit you want to change once we're married?
6.How do you want to handle time with friends after we're married?
7.What does quality time mean to you, and how often do you need it?

Money and debt

8.What money decisions do we need to settle before the wedding?
9.What do you want me to know about your relationship with money?
10.What debts are you bringing into the marriage, and how do you feel about them?
11.Will we combine our money, keep it separate, or do some of each?
12.How should we decide on big purchases?
13.How do you want to support each other through career changes?

Home and work

14.How should we divide responsibilities at home in a way that feels fair?
15.How should we decide where to live if we disagree?
16.What would we do if one of us got a job offer in another city?
17.What do you want our home to sound and feel like?

Families and holidays

18.What boundaries should we set with extended family before the wedding?
19.How do you want us to handle holidays with both families?
20.If one of our parents needed care, what would we be willing to do?
21.What traditions from your childhood do you want to pass on?
22.What traditions from your childhood do you want to leave behind?
23.What role do you want faith or spirituality to play in our marriage?

Children

24.Do you want children, and if so, when?
25.What would we do if one of us changed our mind about having children?
26.What did your parents do as parents that you'd repeat, and what wouldn't you?
27.If we have children, what do you want them to know about how we met?

Conflict and hard times

28.What does commitment mean to you in real-life choices?
29.What does forgiveness look like when we disappoint each other?
30.What does respect look like in the way we speak to each other?
31.What do you want to do when we disagree and tempers rise?
32.What does healthy conflict look like to you?
33.What do you need from me when you feel anxious?
34.What should we do if one of us feels lonely in the marriage?
35.What does partnership look like when we're exhausted?

The wedding itself

36.What do you need from me when wedding stress is high?
37.How do you want us to handle last-minute changes on the wedding day?
38.What's a wedding memory you want us to make on purpose?
39.What are your hopes for our honeymoon?

Hopes and promises

40.Which values do you want our family to be known for?
41.What kind of friendships do you want us to prioritize as a couple?
42.What does intimacy mean to you as we plan our future together?
43.What's a fear you have about marriage that we can name together?
44.What's a hope you have about marriage that you want to protect?
45.How do you want to celebrate anniversaries?
46.What would make you feel proud of us five years from now?
47.What's one thing you still want to learn about me before the wedding?
48.What's one promise you want us to make to each other today?

Conversation guide

Wedding planning can fill most of your free conversations with venues and guest lists. These questions are about the marriage instead: money and debt, children, families, where you’ll live and how you’ll argue. Take one group per evening and leave the wedding group for last. If you’re working on your vows, our guide to writing wedding vows covers that separately.

Have a wedding-free hour

Choose an evening when neither of you has a planning task to finish. A seating plan can take up a whole night while the question of where you’ll live next year goes untouched. Start with one everyday responsibility and describe how each of you expects it to work.

Make assumptions visible

Discuss an example: a parent needs help, one income falls, or a job requires a move. Who would need to be consulted? Which decisions are shared? Write down the parts you agree on and the parts still open. Some topics deserve more than a conversation, such as a prenuptial agreement or a large debt, and a financial adviser or lawyer can help with those.

When you disagree on something big

Questions about children, religion and where to live are worth answering honestly, even when the answer is “I don’t know yet.” Say what you want and how strongly you want it. You don’t need to resolve it the night it comes up. If you keep returning to the same impasse, premarital counseling is one place to work through it.

Keep private words private

An answer may inspire a vow or a speech, but ask before using it in front of guests. Some memories belong to the two of you.

Helpful follow-ups

What makes that important to you?
Where does that expectation come from?
What would that look like in a normal week?
Is that settled, or still open?
Who else would need to be part of that decision?
Can we come back to this after we've both thought about it?