When should we talk about these?

Before the big decisions are fixed. A conversation about where to live is easier before you sign a lease than after.

Do we need to agree on everything before the wedding?

No. It helps to know where you differ and whether the difference is about timing or about something neither of you will change.

Engagement questions about money, children, family and home

Quick starters

Use these questions to spark an easy conversation.

Do you want to combine our money, keep it separate or do a mix of both?
Where do you picture us living in five years?
Do you want children, and how sure are you?
How often do you expect to see each of our families?
What do you need after an argument before you can talk again?

All questions

40 questions. Choose the ones that suit your conversation.

Or tick questions to copy or print them.

Money and debt

1.What debts are you carrying, and what is your plan for them?
2.Do you want to combine our money, keep it separate or do a mix of both?
3.How much can either of us spend without checking with the other?
4.What did your family teach you about money, out loud or by example?
5.How much do you want to save, and what for?
6.What would we do if one of us lost an income for six months?

Work and careers

7.How should our careers fit together if both can't move forward at once?
8.Would you move for a job, and would you move for mine?
9.How many hours a week do you expect to be working five years from now?
10.Is there a career change or a degree you are thinking about?
11.What would you want to change about your work if we had children?

Where you will live

12.Where do you picture us living in five years?
13.City, suburb, small town or somewhere else entirely?
14.How close do you want to live to your family, and to mine?
15.Do you want to rent or buy, and how soon?

Children

16.Do you want children, and how sure are you?
17.If we want children, how many, and when?
18.How would you feel if having children didn't go the way we planned?
19.Who would stay home, cut back at work or arrange childcare?
20.What from your own upbringing would you repeat, and what would you change?

Faith and values

21.What part does faith or spirituality play in your life now?
22.If we have children, how would we raise them around faith?
23.Which holidays and rituals matter most to you?
24.What do you want our household to stand for?

Extended family

25.How often do you expect to see each of our families?
26.Where will we spend the holidays?
27.What would we do if a parent needed care or money from us?
28.What should stay between the two of us and not go to our families?
29.How should we handle it when a family member disagrees with a decision we make?

Everyday life and disagreements

30.How should we split chores, and how do we decide what is fair?
31.What do you need after an argument before you can talk again?
32.How much time alone do you need each week?
33.How much time with friends, apart from me, do you want?
34.What did disagreements look like in the home you grew up in?
35.When would you want us to see a counselor together?

Your life together

36.What is a tradition you want to bring into our marriage?
37.What do you hope our life looks like in ten years?
38.What is a conversation you want us to have before the wedding?
39.Whose marriage do you admire and why?
40.What should we check in on together once a year?

Conversation guide

Engagement questions cover the decisions a wedding doesn’t make for you: how you will handle money and debt, how your careers fit together, where you will live, whether you want children, what place faith has in your home and how much room your families get. The 40 below are grouped by those topics, with a short set about your life together at the end. Take one topic at a time rather than the whole list at once.

One topic per sitting

Wedding planning tends to fill every free evening. Set aside an hour that is not about the venue or the guest list, pick one group and stop when you have talked it through. Money and children usually take longer than you expect; extended family can wait for another day.

Answer each question yourself, not only your partner. You may find you have never said your own view out loud.

When you disagree

Name the difference plainly. Then ask whether it is about timing (“not yet”) or about something neither of you is likely to change. A disagreement over how many years to rent is a planning question. A disagreement over whether to have children is a different kind of conversation, and it deserves more than one evening.

Some couples work through these topics with a counselor or a faith leader before the wedding. That is a choice, not a sign something is wrong.

Write down what you agree on

Keep a short note of what you decided and what is still open: who handles which bills, which holidays go where, when you will look at moving. Agree on a date to read it again after the wedding. Plans change, and the note shows you what you were thinking at the start.

Helpful follow-ups

What makes that important to you?
Where did that idea come from?
Is that a firm answer or still open?
What would change your mind?
What would a fair compromise look like?
When should we come back to this?